Joe (not his real name) keeps being stupid.

He has a girlfriend, and he claims he adores her, even though he cheats on her and all that kind of shit. Meanwhile everyone (classmates) says I'm so in love with him, and that I'm a fool because I love him so much, and he completely ignores me. Well, let me tell you something. First of all, I don't like him at all. Sure, there is something between us, and I'm not sure what it is, but I do not love him. Second, he doesn't ignore me at all. He wants me. I wouldn't say so if I didn't know for sure. The things that he does, the things that he says, things that everyone else choose to ignore. Like yesterday, when it was time to go to sleep (because we all stayed at a friend's house), he asked me to sleep with him (and he insisted). Can you believe it? I can, this isn't the first time he says or does something like that. Of course I didn't accept, mainly because I wanted to show him indifference. Accepting this purposal would have made everything worse, it would just confirm to him and everyone else that I do like him. I'm still curious, what would have happened? But it wasn't worth finding out.

What he wants from me is what bothers me. I don't know for a fact what he wants, but I have a pretty good idea. He wants us to be "friends with benefits", and he wants to keep his girlfriend. How can he think I would do that? How can he think he's worth all that?

There's this constant question in my head: If he knew I could like him back, would he choose me? Does he like me that much? That way? I don't even want to find out, I would be risking too much. Besides, if he really wanted me, he would say so, and he wouldn't be with her. Right?

I've never given him reasons to think I like him, but everytime he speaks he seems so sure about it. So, I don't think I should put myself in that position, especially for someone that probably just wants me as that kind of friend, I'm not doing that.

I don't even know why am I doing such a big deal about this. I would never take him seriously, he's completely flawed in ways I can't possibly accept. It's just that, this thing that exists between us, is really there.

But, I won't let the heart win this one.

XoXo

Gaby

Life's been good lately. The guy I previously said I couldn't like, called, and we talked for a while. I can't believe he likes me, I can be so boring, believe me. I didn't even try to fill the awkward moments of silence, and I felt so weird having a conversation with him. Surprisingly I found out we do have some things in common. But still...I don't know. Can't even talk about it.

School has been great, I've been loving my second year at med school. I like all my classes and all the doctors, it has all been very good. In the social department, I have my everyday difficulties, I'm just not a social person! But anyway, sometimes things happen, like yesterday. I found out there's a guy that likes me, and I didn't really expect it. I had some thoughts because some things were weird and suspicious, but until yesterday I had no idea. But, guess what? I think I messed it up, just a little. I wanted to fix it today, but I didn't see him, so, hopefully I'll fix things tomorrow. I guess I never learn. But don't worry it wasn't a huge mistake, it was just stupid.

Oh, there's a party on Thursday, it could be good I guess.

XoXo
Gaby

I don't know how to start this post, perhaps I should start with an explanation of why I kind of shutted down my blog, or maybe by telling you what's been happening lately. But, I rather just start with today, and maybe a little bit about yesterday.

Today was alright, I can't complain. Not much happened, Danny called to tell me about last night, and how it all went. Apparently everything went perfectly with her and the guy that she likes, I'm pretty sure that it will turn into something soon, very soon. And everything worked perfectly between Mary and her guy. Yesterday was a good night for both of them.

Danny also told me that a guy from school kept asking her for me, and that he has done that lately, she thinks that he likes me. It's not that new. He liked me before, but it never went anywhere so I concluded he wasn't interested after all, but now I think he might be. It doesn't matter that much cause we don't even speak. So stupid. But anyway, it still felt good in my head, cause that means he thinks about me every now and then.

Last night, I didn't go out with Danny and Mary, cause I went out with other friends. Carol was really excited cause she wanted me to meet a guy, a guy that she believed I was perfect for. It was a complete disaster. It might sound mean but I can't like him, I guess you could say he's not my type. He's just... I can't even say it.

The worst thing was that he did like me, even though I tried to be as boring as I could, and that wasn't hard to do, cause I was really sleepy and tired. But Carol, just called to tell me that he had asked her for my number and she gave it to him, she was really excited, and said I should give him a chance. And I know I should, I would give the same advice to anyone, but it's not as easy to do. Carol kept saying all the nice things he said about me, and that he really really liked me. You know, he's funny and all, but I can't overlook the fact that he's too different from me. The whole thing is really frustrating, cause I can't tell Carol what I really think, and she really doesn't see it the way I do.

XOXO

Gaby

I wanna be the one to walk in the sun...

Last time I blogged, I kept complaining about how bored I was, and describing over and over my unproductive summer. By Friday I decided I was going out, anywhere but home. I almost wish I hadn't done anything about it, and had read and entire book in two days instead. But we'll get to that later.

So, just as I was heading up to do something about my boring situation, Danny called, and told me we really had to go out, and have some fun, because she was just as bored as I was. She also gave me a year's worth of gossip (it still brings a smile to my face). So, we talked a lot, gossip and some other things, and I think that whole contact with the outside world, even if it was just through a phone conversation, made me feel really good, or maybe it was the juicy juicy gossip. So, there I was ready to go out and have some real fun. Little did I know that the night would be just a little less pathetic than staying at home. Anyway, Danny thought dancing was the way to go, and I obviously agreed. We invited almost everyone we could, but surprisingly there were only three of us. So, there was the first sign that the night would be a complete... I was about to say disaster, but it wasn't even that, it was just a complete nothing. In spite of this I thought we could definitely rescue the night. Long story short: we went to three different clubs, hoping that one of them would not mind letting in a minor (Danny), or would buy our really crappy story, or her stupid fake ID. Well, the people at the three different clubs were quite clever... We begged, well, Danny did and it didn't work. So, we ended up in a café drinking frappuchino and eating pie. It doesn't seem bad, but it was! I wanted a fun wild night, and there's nothing wild about pie.

After that, I decided Saturday was definitely going to be different, I wouldn't allow myself to have one more boring night. And I thought maybe I could compromise, but still have a somehow wild night. Then, Val called, inviting me to go to a cabin with some of her friends. She invested almost an hour of her life trying to convince me about it (and some gossip too of course), I just didn't know if it was going to work, because they were her friends and I didn't even know them, and I didn't want to be uncomfortable or bored, and unable to return home freezing in a faraway cabin. After all, she convinced me, and I lied to my mom so I could go. Actually I didn't lie, I didn't need to, cause she asked no questions, she never does. I only asked for a ride, and that was it. I don't know if she would have been okay with letting me go had she known all the details, but I wished she hadn't. So, I went to my friend's house, and we waited a few hours for the other guys to pick us up. The thing kind of got all messed up, and we started to fear that the whole thing wouldn't happen. Ok, I was relieved, this way I could go home. But no, these guys had to make this happen, whatever it took (my time!). So off we went, following an alternative plan, with various steps, each one of them with multiple complications, and a HUGE possibilty of ruin the night. After a while, I started to realize there was something about the whole situation I wasn't understanding, so I asked Val what was the real deal. And she told me they wanted to get weed, and that was what the whole evening was about, and naive me, thought it was all about healthy drinking. She thought that if I knew about it, I wouldn't have accepted to go, so she didn't tell me. So, similar to Friday night, but with some variations, we went all over town searching for weed, and couldn't buy any. Long story short: we went to a different cabin, on a different car, just four of us even though we were six when the adventure started. Alternative plan, remember? The whole night, or what was left of it, cause we spent so much time planning, and driving all around town, ended up being nothing. Familiar with that? Yeah, I thought so. So we arrived our final destination at some hour of the morning, and basically slept after a little shisha and chat. The only thing I remember about this particular chat was my drunk friend telling me that and old fat enemy of mine was thin now, and looked super good (yeah, those were her words, can you believe it?). I hate it when people I hate get thinner, and I know she's not as thin as me, but I don't want to be left behind I have to lose weight, right now. I know that was highly irrelevant, but I needed to get that out. Ok, so, as you can see, Saturday night was fruitless as well.

On Sunday morning I called my mom so she would pick me up at my friend's house, on our way home, she asked me: "You went to the movies?" And I answered: "No". "So what did you do?" "Nothing, nothing really..."

XoXo
Gaby

P.S. About today: I went to H-E-B (one of my favorite places) with my mom, and saw the cutest guy ever, I had forgotten there are cute guys out there, and he looked like the kind of cute I like. Oh, and I'm now reading "La señora de los sueños" by Sara Sefchovich.

Today (or should I say yesterday since it's 1:00 am) has been one of my less productive days. I took a shower thinking a classmate would come by to drop a book. Had I known he wouldn't come...

I called my friend to wish her a happy birhday, it was weird, but at least I did it. Just get it out of the way you know. Yeah, I'm that bad with festivities.

A friend called to invite me to a party from school, but I had no intention to go even if I told her I would think about it. I thought I would miss this people (classmates), but I don't. First it was like, I missed school because it was an excuse to see them, but now I think I'm enjoying my time away from them too much. Please, notice how pathetic I am, here I am, telling you how I didn't even want to go to this party cause it would be boring and I didn't want to see this people, yet, anything there would have been more exciting than what I've been doing these days. Really, I've been in my house, sleeping, watching TV, and reading, the whole time by myself. Believe me, I love doing all of these things, and I missed these activities, but I should be out. It's just that...I have no available friends, for whatever reason, there's not much to do. The only thing I've done, is going to the movies (once), and that's not the wild night I need. Don't get me wrong, you know I'm not that wild.

I've just realized, it's been only about a week of vacation. It felt like a month... A week and I'm dying already, I suck at this.

XoXo
Gaby

Having free time has given me a chance to think about new ways of improving as a person, and various ideas have crossed my mind. For instance, I was thinking about taking swimming lessons. I know how to swim, but I suck. I don't think I even swim, I just float. Besides I would burn calories, and that would not suck at all. Losing weight this summer would make me so happy. Imagine returning to school thinner, without my round face, and with better thighs. Now, that's a nice thought. You should see my face while I think about it. Ok, back on Earth. I don't know if I will do the swimming thing. I have certain concerns, one of them being, are they going to put me with the little kids? I don't really mind, it could be embarrasing, but what concerns me actually is that they'll probably do better than me. Or maybe not.. and I could be the star of the swimming class, for the first time in my life. I would share some of my wisdom with the little ones. Ok, now I'm dreaming again. Wait, what is Gael Garcia suddenly doing in my dream? Oh, yeah, he's in all my dreams.

I was also thinking of starting to jog, or walk, or jog/walk. The weight issue is really bothering me you see. My enormous cheeks are quite a problem. Most of you don't know my face and if you knew, you would say I'm overreacting because my face isn't even round, it's just that my cheeks are so weird and they've always bothered me. So I have to get rid of them, and losing weight is my last hope. The other option would be surgery, but that's a little extreme. So, I'll try losing weight first. I mean, it worked for Hilary Duff. And I know many of you think that she looked better before, but her thin face is my inspiration. At this point I have to say....please, believe me I'm not as pathetic as I sound.

Ok, so those are enough ideas for today. More coming soon, though.

Anyway, in other news. I keep being productive. Today I did laundry and...oh well, that's about it. But it is Sunday, and I took a shower, and that's a big step for me on a Sunday.

Tomorrow's a friend's birthday, I hope I don't forget (I do that a lot). And I hope it's not all weird cause I haven't seen my friends in a while, and they don't really care about me. I don't blame them. I've done some damage. Oh, sometimes I suck.

XoXo
Gaby

Oye niño no tengas miedo. ¿No lo entiendes? Se lo que quiero. Oye niño, tú serás mío, sabes bien que sólo te quiero a tí.

I keep being productive these days. Today I went to the dentist, which I hate. I hate the taste of the water there, can't they use regular water?! I hate dentists asking you stuff and expecting you to answer with your mouth open and weird instruments inside. I hate having to do small talk. I hate small talk. I hate people. Ok, ok, I don't hate dentists, they're good, but everything they do is so uncomfortable and painful. Oh yeah, and my teeth hurt, really hurt cause they adjusted my braces. So, I'm in deep horrible pain. Ok, now I'm being a drama queen. I can live with it actually, as long as I don't eat. Anyway, it shouldn't last much. Besides everytime I go to the dentist I tell myself that I'm closer to the perfect smile I've always wanted. I can't wait actually. So, it will be worth it I guess.

You know, having all this time has given me time to miss my school books, yeah, my histology book, and my anatomy book. Those are the ones I miss the most. Maybe the word "missing" isn't right, I just kind of want to grab a book and read a chapter, just to learn stuff I have already forgotten. I mean, I know I'll need it someday. I've been trying to put it off for some days, but I will go and read soon, I can feel it.

So, what else? Still reading "The Historian", and looking forward to reading something new. Still watching Gilmore Girls, the 4th season.

XoXo

Gaby

So I find a reason to shave my legs each single morning. So I count on someone on Friday night to take me dancing and then to church on Sundays.